A Letter to Roger Clemens

Dear Mr. Clemens,

I know this is a difficult time in your life concerning baseball and your potential decision as to whether or not you will return to pitch the remainder of the 2006 season. Let me begin by saying that the Houston Astros do not really want you to return to the team, and even more importantly, you do not want to continue to be associated with the team because of the heinous atrocities committed by various members of the front office as well as team members.

It has come to the attention of Bud Selig that the manager of the Astros, Phil Garner, eats babies. It is his intention to investigate the matter until a satisfactory conclusion has been reached. Of course, eating babies is illegal, but baseball has yet to prohibit the act in its rules and regulations - this fact has allowed some to feel they can overlook the whole "against the law, morally repugnant" aspect of the situation. You don't want to be tainted by this potential scandal, do you?

The Astros have released a DVD which chronicles last year's road to the 2005 World Series. The title of the DVD? '2005 Houston Astros - The Championship Season DVD.' The title misrepresents the actual outcome of the 2005 season, as the Astros were swept in the World Series, as you know, by the Chicago White Sox. Don't let the Astros mislead you as well.

Fernando Nieve, the Astros' fifth starter, is on a personal mission to see that you don't return to the club. He wants his shot as a starter and is apparently ready to use any means necessary to retain his spot in the rotation. Do you really want to spend four months watching your back?

Perhaps most importantly, you're a Man. A man's man, right? You don't want that girly-script 'Astros' across your chest! Prove your manhood, go pitch in the AL against 9 hitters, not 8 hitters and an almost-automatic out.

The Red Sox want you. You want the Red Sox. Perhaps if you go pitch for Boston they will have yet another expendable pitcher in their bullpen... and then they can make another trade...

Sincerely,

A Reds fan.

Of Course, most of this is bull, but some of it is true. It's all in jest, don't anyone be offended.